Midnight Rants
Recently the days seem to pass by me like darkness overtaking the sunshine. Little did I know that 4 years ago darkness would overtake my feeble life. It would consume my entire being if you can call it that anymore. 4 years ago I once believed in being able to maintain friendships and maybe even romantic relationships. If only I knew that it was to be. I could have possibly saved my soul and perhaps may not have sold it to whatever terrible thing that has been with me ever since. I wish I could be optimistic about life however due to seeing other people that I care about suffer tremendously and hearing what happens around the world, I can honestly say that there is no way is either heaven or hell that I can even consider optimism. Sadly what I perceive as realism often is pessimistic and I don’t need to be told that either. I’ve dealt with this awful thing we call reality for 21 years. Perhaps I’m overthinking things but there is no denying that when I look at myself in the mirror in the morning, I honestly believe that if I were to choose a moral side, I would strongly consider myself to be on the dark end of the spectrum. When looking at my flaws, I realize that I hold grudges so long to the point I don’t forget them. I look at myself and think why am I the way I am? I constantly pose questions and never solutions and when I do pose solutions, they are shot down like black people during the slave days. I question my existence often thinking to myself, what could be doing right now instead of performing music no one really cares about? Often I antagonize others and my own race because of my past. I find my most common question I ask is a simple three letter phrase; why. Why, why, why. A person once told me to always ask questions. To them (if I ever see them again) I respond with, I once asked questions and you know what happened? My life changed for the worst mainly. I can only dream of a life of happiness at the moment. With so many things that effect me in such a negative way, it is nearly impossible to imagine a life of happiness for myself. My mother once said that you be lonely if you think that way. I say, I’ll become blind to what is happening if I don’t think at all. She also once said that I shouldn’t let the actions of others define who I am. Well I’m sure some of you know what happened about 3 weeks ago. That moment in time has forever changed me. I can think of many moments where I had no power or ability to change the outcome and for that reason, those moments will forever define who I am and what kind of half person I am.