Early Morning Insomniatic Thoughts

I sit and ponder about life. I think this is fairly obvious to those who know me. So here I am again pondering life and what I should do. But before even that happens, I have to go back to the past. While my life has not been easy, it has been better than some stories I hear. This doesn’t change the matter of fact that when I hear said stories, I am often left sad and ashamed only to realize that I cannot impact the past in any way and that all I’m good for is listening. This pains me greatly and it isn’t something that goes away and yet I hold on to this pain. Maybe it’s because it’s the only thing I can truly understand. What a horrible way to live. That being said I have started to appreciate the little things more but that can only get one so far. I am not sad for myself as that was not allowed for me and therefore the consequence is that I am a ticking time bomb of emotions. I find it much easier to throw away my feelings and to sift through life. It especially gets difficult to go through the day knowing that other things I can’t directly influence negatively impact me and my colleagues. As I have said before I have considered giving up but what good would that do? Nothing. It would only rewind me back so far that I would not be able to rebuild therefore I must continue down the path I burned bridges for not because I want to but because I have to. So as long as I am alive, I will continue to try to better my endeavors and maybe I can give someone an opportunity that I could never have. Perhaps I’m going overboard with this note and should stop now but it past the point of no return much like my college debt for this god damn degree that doesn’t mean shit to most employers in the music industry. So why do I play an instrument still if all I ever say is that I hate it? Easy. I have to be good at something right? All kidding aside there was a time I enjoyed it but like with most things, a situation pops up and it’s all downhill from there. I can’t wait to be done with the music degree. I’m too old to be only getting my undergraduate degree especially since life likes to come out of nowhere with random bullshit. Maybe if I could actually stick to a plan this wouldn’t be such an issue. It’s like trying to build a house foundation only for it to be blown away by the slightest breeze. Thankfully I have people who care about me and I don’t want to think about how different things would be without them. That’s what alcohol is for and quite frankly, it’s expensive.