A new path

I recently had an audition with Ann Arbor Symphony. It was fucking awful. I truly pepega brained it and was cut in the first round. This only confirms my suspicions of not wanting to ever audition again. I can’t believe I spent so much time and money only to play like shit. I like my lessons for school . I’ve already learned how to not be so tense playing. But I am burnt the fuck out of audition. Add on top of this that fact that money is always a worry for me and you have a recipe for disaster. I have said this before and I’ll say it again: I feel like I’m always one day away from losing everything. It is like someone holding a gun to my head waiting for me to fuck up. As such I have already considered my options to leave the music world. It is sobering and necessary but I am never going to be good enough for a major orchestra. Maybe it’s due to who I am, where I was born, and my appearance but I am thoroughly convinced now I never should have gone into it. For all of the good things, the negatives far outweigh the positives and also I like money. I don’t want your pity, I simply want to enjoy my life and I don’t feel as I can do that with my current choice of career.